A Day of Rememberance

October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. Everyone is invited to light a candle at 7pm in all time zones, over the world. If everyone lights a candle at 7pm and keeps it burning for at least one hour, there will be a continuous Wave Of Light for our babies that were born into heaven or grew their wings shortly after birth. I am lighting a candle for my 3 babies. I love and miss them so very much.

Never Give Up

A very inspirational video. It is a reminder that no matter what I go through, to never give up. If you give up, you can never achieve your goals.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XZVfHoTROgQ

I don't understand People

I have been such a bad blogger lately. B and I had put TTC on hold, so I didn't feel like writing and wanted to ignore all the things that have been going on in that aspect. Now we are actively back to TTC. This is not the reason for this blog entry.

My day was going well yesterday. The bosses were out of the office. It was nice and peaceful. I even had a dentist appointment that went smoothly. That all changed when I called my mom for our daily chat.

Let me give you a little history. My cousin and his girlfriend just recently became parents to a little girl. My aunt wants to give them a small baby shower with just the family. That is the reason for the phone call to my mom.

So my aunt calls my mom to let her know they are planning a shower for this girl within the next few weeks, and to see if my mom would be interested in coming. Then my aunt asked whether or not to invite me. She stated, "Everything that she has been through, we didn't know if it would be a good idea to invite her."

Excuse me? Everything that I have been through? You don't know half of what I've been through. I had only told my family about the first loss which was over a year ago. She makes me feel like I'm some crazy nut case who can't handle being in the presence of babies or anything baby-related. Mind you, this is not the first time this has happened to me. My boss's wife didn't invite me to her baby shower back in July because she felt that she didn't want to put me through any heartache by being there. Since when have I been incompetent of making my own decisions? The last I checked I have a voice and know how to say "no" if I feel like I would be uncomfortable in certain situation. I am tired of people walking on eggshells when I am around. I am tired of being excluded from things and everyone making me feel like an outcast.

When will it be my turn?

I am in a disgusted and fowl mood right now. I have come to terms with my losses. I am even happy for those who are expecting at this moment. I am really upset with my boss's wife. J is about eight months pregnant. About a week ago one of our ex employees IM'd me asking if I received my invitation to J's baby shower. Of course I was at work at the time so I didn't know if the invitation would be waiting for me at home. Of course it was not. Here it is a week later and still no invitation.

Now all of her shower gifts are arriving at the office for her husband (my boss) to take home. I am an employee, yet she invites people who have been terminated from the company. It is pissing me off because she is making this decision for me. It is NOT her decision to make. Yes, since I have been at this job I have had three miscarriages in which one was during the early part of her pregnancy. She, of all people, should understand. She has had her trouble with infertility. Now the whole baby shower is being thrown in my face with the boxes of car seats, strollers, and other things coming through the office that I have to sign for.

Don't get me wrong, I am extremely happy for her! She has had her troubles conceiving and pretty much gave up on having any children. I don't want her to feel like she has to walk on eggshells when around me, and that is how she is treating me. We have hit it off from day one at this company...jamming to 80s music on her laptop and laughing it up. Now this move she has pulled is like a slap in the face.

Saw a Genetic Counselor

Had an appointment with a genetic counselor yesterday because of the third loss. We are still at square one. The third loss came back as (45,X), which is Turner's Syndrome. Because we actually have a reason for this loss, the doctor feels that there is nothing in my genetics that is stopping me from having a normal pregnancy. I am at no greater risk for a miscarriage with my next pregnancy as I was with my first pregnancy. The doctor doesn't want us to spend thousands on a genetic test for things to say we are fine. Things are becoming more frustrating. I guess I am suppose to continue to get pregnant and have miscarriages until I have the one baby that sticks...no matter what it does to my psyche.



So that is my strategy. Continue to get pregnant until you get the one that sticks. Great plan...

My Dad

I know I have been a terrible blogger. Things have been going on for quite some time with him, but I never found the time to write about it. My dad has an enlarged prostate. It is 3 times its normal size. he has not been able to urinate for months now. He finally, probably 3-4 weeks ago, seen a doctor about it. The doctors say it is so large, that they don't know if they can shrink it. They may have to cut it down to size. Actually, we don't know what the doctors want to do. They are very wishy-washy on which steps to take with him.

That is not his only problem. He hasn't been able to have a bowel movement in over 3 months, gross I know. He has also been losing weight at a rapid pace. The doctors have tested him for many things, and they have no answer as to what is wrong with him. He is currently living with my grandparents (he and my mom are no longer together).

I just feel so terrible for him. He looks like he is on death's doorstep. He can't walk without assistance. Granted, he has put my family and I through so much shit in the past he is still my father and I care for his well-being. My brother, on the other hand, wishes he would vanish. He is a teenager and has so much anger towards his father for never being there and making his life hell. I get that. I do. It has been over 6 years and it is time to put that in the past.

I told my grandparents that if the doctors are confused, and they don't know what to do then it is time for a second opinion. Don't just settle for their word. Take him to doctors that WILL do something. I just hope he makes it through whatever it is he is going through...alive.

Memorial Day Weekend

Well, it's back to work after the Memorial Day weekend. Overall, the weekend was very nice. Went camping with B at Kettle Moraine. The weather was not to shabby. Sunday night was very cold. Made me wish I had a battery operated heater for the tent. The bugs were tolerable as well. Since it is still kind of cool out, the mosquitoes were not out in full force. Enjoyed some good food, good music, and good company around the campfires.

The first night was very intimate. B and I arrived there first on Friday. Victor and Katie showed up a few hours later. We had good laughs and conversation. It rained in the overnight hours until Late Saturday morning. By the time the rain ended, everyone else had shown up. Steve and his stepson Jameson, Marty, Hannah, their son Vaughn, and dog Buck, Loomis and his dog Emma, Jason Moon, and newcomers Brad and Rachel.

Speaking of Loomis, boy is he a character! He argued with the park rangers the entire time, until they kicked him off the campsites Sunday morning. He did and said so many things, that they might be incriminating if I list them all here. I'm actually, for once, looking forward to next year's camping trip.

Home From Vacation

After a long ten days on the road, and a sore ass and sore back later we are finally home. It was a very relaxing vacation. I hated to come home. I was depressed the entire way back. B and I saw many wonderful sites...Grand Canyon, Canyonlands N.P., Bryce Canyon, Arches N.P.. Such beautiful scenery. The weather was awesome too. We left a rainy, chilly Chicago for the beautiful Southwest. Not a cloud or drop of rain the entire time there!

I also, for the first time, went whitewater rafting. WHAT A THRILL!!! I had a blast, though I had the constant fear of falling out of the raft. I cannot wait to try that again! After rafting, we stopped in Colorado to Glenwoods Hot Springs. The hot water felt so nice on my aching joints.

I will try and post pics of the vacation when I get a chance. It is difficult to do since I am back to work...:(

The bleeding continues...

Here I am, two weeks post D & C, and I am still bleeding. Dr. S says not to worry yet, but if it continues through next week then she'll take a look to see if there was anything left behind. Also, she thinks B and I should take an extended break (which I agree) until we can see a high risk doctor. Dr. S thinks it may be a genetic problem, her thoughts is a balanced translocation. She feels that if this is what it is, then we would have to use a donor egg in order to have children. Really don't know how to feel about this. This is definitely something B and I need to have a deep and serious conversation about when the time comes. Things can never go smoothly for me...

**UPDATE**

Doctor's office just called, and they want to get me in for an ultrasound before I leave on vacation to make sure my uterine cavity is indeed empty so I can go on vacation with no worries. That is a huge relief!

D & C Complete

Had it done yesterday at the hospital. It went well...better than I expected. I was freaked out to have it done again, but I knew I had to have it soon since I am leaving for vacation in two weeks. The staff was very nice and friendly. They made the whole experience bearable. Have my two week follow up scheduled with Dr. S for May 4th. Hopefully she will have more news for me as to which direction B and I should head in next.

No heartbeat

The second ultrasound today confirmed it. We lost the baby...again. This is the third freaking loss within a one year period. I am getting so tired of this shit! I don't even know where to turn anymore. What can I possibly do to make the outcomes better? I have had so many tests, some evasive, to see what the problem is and they all come back normal. Is this some cruel joke being played on us? My patience and my faith is wearing thin. I just want to scream out, "FUCK YOU WORLD!!!"

My D & C is scheduled for Wednesday at noon. I am scared to do this, but I know it is something I have to go through. I don't want to run the risk of it happening naturally while on vacation, and not knowing if everything passed.

I am just at a loss for words....

Inconclusive Ultrasound

I went for my three week ultrasound today, and things are not looking so good. Dr. S couldn't get a good read on measurements, nor pick up a fetal heartbeat. She could only get a measurement of 9 weeks, 2 days. I have an appointment today at 3PM for a more detailed ultrasound. Hopefully the more high tech machine can get a good measurement and find the heartbeat. I'm not holding out much hope. Things in this department never work out for me. B, on the other hand, is still optimistic. We shall see at 3.

9 weeks, 3 days

This is certainly a milestone for me. I passed the dreaded 9 week, 2 day mark without any gushing of blood which has started the beginning of my past miscarriages. I know I am not out of the woods yet, but this gives me a small amount of hope. I have a doctor's appointment on Monday, so I pray everything is going well. Continued prayers needed.

Pregnancy Brain at its Finest

Today I have a bad case of pregnancy brain. So I started my weekly load of laundry this morning. First load finishes, and as I put it in the dryer and begin the second load. I then realized that I washed the entire first load without laundry detergent or fabric softener! Now I have to rewash those close to get out the stains I thought I was removing the first time. This is going to be a long seven months!

Worried....

Yes it is 2:15AM and I am up! I have NEVER had insomnia during any of my pregnancies. I am worried that this pregnancy will not make it. Yesterday I had a decline in appetite, and I noticed that my boobs were not sore AT ALL. They also felt deflated. All of the plumpness was gone. Even after taking my Prometrium, they still feel the same. I am also having bad back cramps right now...or gas. I cannot tell which it is. I am debating whether or not to go and get an emergency ultrasound when the office opens up just to calm my fears. Dr. S told me I should do that whenever I needed.

I don't know if all of this is my mind playing tricks on me because I am quickly approaching that dreaded 9 week mark. I just don't feel like I have been feeling. Granted this only started yesterday, so maybe this is my body adjusting to the hormones, but it still worries me.

Also, this is the second evening this week where I had some weird brownish, yellowish discharge leak from me. It happens for a few minutes, then it stops. I brought this to Dr. S's attention, but she is not worried as long as it is not blood. What if it is some type of infection? My next scheduled appointment is not until the 20th, and I might very well lose my mind by then.

Can't Hide Anything From Mom

I was hoping I could make it to the second trimester without spilling the beans to anyone...not even dear ole mom. I guess moms can always tell when something is different with their daughters. I saw my mom on Sunday for our normal family dinner, and before you know it she is asking me how far along I was. Here I was thinking I could hide my unzipped pants with a long sweater, and try to minimize the number of bathroom trips I make, but my mom picked up on these clues very quickly. She even stated how moody I was towards my aunt as a dead giveaway. My moodiness?? Really?

I didn't want to tell her about this pregnancy because of how much she irritated me after my second loss. I was such a Debbie Downer, that everything she said rubbed me the wrong way. I told her the next time I get pregnant I was not going to tell her. Yeah, that worked out well.

On a pregnancy note, my next visit to the doctor is in 2 weeks. She wants to make sure everything is still going well since my miscarriages usually start around 9 weeks, 2 days. I will be 9 weeks, 5 days at the appointment. I really have no emotional attachment to this pregnancy. If I don't feel attached, it helps me to not stress and worry over the small stuff.

6w, 5d

Had my first appointment today. There is only one baby in there. I was also shocked to be measuring right on schedule...well almost. I should be 7 weeks exactly based on my menstrual cycle. The flicker of the little heartbeat was there, but no excitement from me. I don't know if I can get excited for any pregnancy. Doctor S wants to see me in a couple of weeks to make sure every thing is still going well. Come on baby, stick for mama!

Beta #2 is in....

...and my progesterone is at 23.3, and my HCG is at 566!! My lord, they more than doubled. I have never seen my doc use exclamation marks to explain my levels, but she did. Dr. S said they looked great! I am so happy and relieved. God has answered my prayers. This pregnancy has taught me to let go, and let God. Let go of all of my worries, bitterness and doubt, and to trust God. He will not give me more than I can bear. He has also taught me patience. I did this last blood draw Thursday morning, and I am just getting the results today. I was so anxious to get the results at first, until I realized that things do not happen when I want them to. Things will happen on God's time. My first appointment and ultrasound is on the 30th.

Beta #1 is in...

Well, my results finally came in. My HCG was a 71, which is higher than the last pregnancy. The last pregnancy it was a 55. Dr. says my progesterone looks good at 26.6. The last pregnancy it was 30.6. I go back on Thursday for the next draw. Fingers crossed that my HCG doubles! Stick baby stick!!

Can Third Time be the Charm?

Well, I took a test last night due to the nausea and extreme bloat I have been feeling the entire weekend and this is what I got. I am truly scared out of my mind. All my tests for RPL have come back normal, and I just don't know why I keep miscarrying at 10 weeks. Were the last to losses just flukes? It is hard to accept that as an answer at times. I called the high risk ob, but they won't see me until I am at least seven weeks, plus they are completely booked for March. I also left a message for my regular ob to see if she wants to run betas. Now I just wait. I truly hope this will be B and I's sticky baby!

E is going to Columbia!

I am so excited! My little brother called me last night to tell me he got into the college of his choice. Words cannot express how I feel right now. With a 14 year difference between us, I feel a little like his mom. I helped raise him, and chastise him when he did wrong. I was there to help him and answer all his questions about the process of applying for colleges. :sniff: My little boy is all grown up.

Back From HSG...

...and after reading, researching and hearing how painful it is, it really is bearable. The pain was not all that bad. It hurt some trying to dilate my cervix because as the doctor stated, "it's as hard as a rock." There was minor cramping while the dye was being injected, after that it was smooth sailing. Of course I did prep my body with Benadryl, and 1000mg of ibuprofen just in case the pain lived up to all the hype I've read about. The nurse in radiology told me she has heard some women screaming bloody murder, but at least she was kind enough to reveal this little tidbit after my test.

As for the results, everything looks structurally normal. My uterus forms the triangle they are hoping to see, and of course my tubes are clear. So we still do not know what is causing my miscarriages. I guess they were flukes, and I think I can accept that fact. I will just continue to try until I get my sticky baby.

HSG Scheduled

Well, this is it. AF finally decided to show her ugly face on CD 46...About time! Now I am scheduled for my HSG for the 20th of this month. I do hope everything is normal looking in there, but then if it is we will have no known reason for my back to back miscarriages. If this is the case, I then move on to a high risk OB. I am getting nervous for next Friday. I will update then...

I DO NOT Understand...

...all the hype surrounding the mother and the octuplets! The whole story just pisses me off! Don't get me wrong, I am happy that the tiny little lives are doing well despite being born five weeks early, but they are being taken advantage of by their mother. There are several things that don't sit right with me regarding this mother:

1. She already has six kids at home ranging in age from 2 to 7.

2. She is single (now she is stating divorced) at the time of bringing eight innocent lives into the world.

3. She lives with her freaking parents in a 3BR home with all those kids.

4. She is fairly young, 33, now with 14 kids.

5. She is pimping her babies! She is demanding $2M for first interview and pictures, plus a lifetime supply of diapers and baby food. She also wants a job as some type, on television, that deals with kids. Still unclear what that was.

6. She had IUI's done for all of her pregnancies without any known fertility issues!! Who the hell does this?!?!

7. According to her parents, she has mental issues.

There are so many women in the world, including myself, who are having issues conceiving/maintaining a pregnancy, and you have this woman who is being greedy with the hand dealt to her. There are so many other surviving septuplets and sextuplets in the world whose parents do not demand such things from companies in order to thrust their children into the spotlight. She is suffering financially, and she had these babies for her financial gain.

Am I bitter? I might be because all I ask for is at least one baby, and my body has failed to do that twice. My body is STILL not cooperating with me! I am on CD41, with no signs of Aunt Flo. I just want her to come so I can move forward with my HSG, and back to TTC (Trying to Conceive).

EDD #1

Well today is the due date of my first pregnancy. So far I am handling it well. Maybe it is due to the fact that I am too tired to shed tears anymore. I just have this feeling of being childless the rest of my life, so why fight it. I did take the due date a little hard over the weekend. Streaming tears, hyperventilating cries...the works. Maybe that's why I have no feelings today. I feel completely numb to the thought of my baby.

Oh but I do long for my little one. Thoughts of his/her future, what he/she looks like, the person he/she would grow into. Instead I am sitting here waiting for AF (Aunt Flow) so that I can schedule a HSG. *Sigh* I really hope my body will cooperate with me soon.

I'm getting a WII!!!!

I am so excited! I was temped to buy the WII the weekend before Christmas when I saw it in Best Buy, but thought I shouldn't because I was there to get my brother's gifts. I was sticking to my budget for the day. I figured that they would have them in the stores after Christmas. BOY WAS I WRONG!! Every possible store and online merchant was sold out! I was so disappointed. I stalked every store, sales paper, and online merchant for the past three weeks!

Then I heard about wiialerts.com that sends emails or texts to your cell phone when products become available online. After many days of missed alerts, and non updated websites, I finally purchased my WII from Toys R Us! I just got the shipment confirmation today and I can't wait!! Time to purchase some accessories, and additional games. Oh, now to stalk the WII fit! I want that too. I can't wait!! :)

On to the next step

Finally heard back from my Dr. S this morning. Since my RPL came back normal, she wants me to have an HSG. An HSG tests for any abnormalities in the uterus. She said that if this comes back normal, then she will refer me to a high risk OB. I have heard many things about this test. I hear the cramps can be pretty bad, but I'm sure I can handle them. I have had some bad cramping in my lifetime...not to mention that the process of miscarrying is pretty painful itself. I think I can handle that. I think I am more afraid of the outcome. I always had a feeling that I would eventually need this test...call it intuition. For some reason I believe that there IS something wrong with my ute, and that I would need surgery(my biggest fear of all time! I cried like a baby when I had to have a d & c. Not because I actually HAD to have one, but the thought of going under and being put to sleep)! That scares the crap out of me. I guess I'll be going in next month for the test. Wish me luck!

Back to Square 1

A small recap...Dr. S, my OB, sent me to my hematologist because my RPL panel showed a deficiency in my Protein S. Dr. A, my hematologist ordered a retake of this test, which I willingly donated my blood on Wednesday.

The results...went back to Dr. A today for my results of the Protein S. NORMAL. No deficiency. Now I am back at square one with no known reason as to why I keep miscarrying. This is so f*cking frustrating!!!!! I don't know what to do anymore. Dr. A suggested that I see a high risk OB for my next pregnancy. He said that sometimes there is no answer, and all that doctors can do is get you from point A to point B successfully. Dammit, I want a reason!!

Just sent Dr. S a nice little message explaining my frustration. Hope to hear back from her on Monday as to what I should do. Oh, and to top it off, when I talked to my mom about the results her reply is, "Stop trying so hard." WTF?!?!?!?! Stop trying so hard! That was the wrong thing to say to me. I would have throat punched her if my fist could have reached through the phone.

On the plus, B and I are back to the baby making. We are hoping that the third time is the lucky time. I really hope I get my sticky baby soon, or me and my ute will be the featured match on Smackdown!!

Happy New Year

Dear 2008,

Though we had some nice times together, I am ECSTATIC to see you gone. We had our fights, our fun, and our shared hatred for each other. You even managed to take one last stab at me by having a pregnant woman at a NYE pot and alcohol party happily sit down next to me as we shared a bowl of weenie dogs and she discussed her lack of cravings at 7 months. Thanks a lot!! As I slam the door on you, I kindly open it for your replacement, 2009. I hope she can do a lot better job than you did. Here's to a new year and new adventures!