God does hear me...I think?

Well it looks like BIL R will be just fine. Thank God!! But the resident doctor who told him that he had a cancerous tumor needs to be fired!!! After having tests done by a neurologists, there is a mass growing on his brain, but they cannot tell if it is in fact a tumor without more tests. The mass, as far as the doctors can tell, is not a risk to his health or life. They do want to run more extensive tests though. Hopefully R will have some answers soon.

Are there any more stones that 2008 can throw?

Rewind a few weeks, A and R are having huge marital issues and are going through a nasty separation. They have been fighting really badly. They have three kids, and I feel really bad for them. The kids are basically in the middle of this nasty dispute. R is having a hard time with his job. Not much construction going on, so he is struggling to bring money home. They had to put the house on the market, and both say that the marriage is over.

So SIL (sister-in-law) A calls late at night, drunk off her rocker, rambling about how BIL(brother-in-law) R has a brain tumor. After the smoke cleared this morning and B was able to gather more info, it turned out to be true. R totalled his truck last night in an accident. He went to the doctor due to a bruise caused from the accident. I am guessing that they took a scan of his brain to check for internal bleeding, and they found a tumor. The tumor is malignant. How crazy is that?!?! He's only 28!! The docs said that based on the size, it has been there for some time, and they don't know if they can remove it. This is some f*cked up sh*t!!

The moment the bell chimed midnight to ring in 2008, this year has been nothing but a disaster. Financial issues for B at his job, financial issues for FIL (father-in-law) at his job, my two miscarriages, the cutback in my hours at my job, and now this. Our family has been through so much in such a short time span. I am praying that the docs can remove the tumor in R's brain. Please God, here my prayer and let everything be okay. Please help A and R get through this very tough time.

This ecomony sucks...

I guess it was bound to happen. Our company is not bringing in much revenue, and we are struggling. I guess there is not a demand for video surveillance. My boss just called me this morning from our Jersey office to tell me that starting January 5th, I will only be working three days a week. I don't know how to feel about this information. A little disturbed, a little relieved...definitely not happy. I know I am one of the newer people here, but definitely not the newest! She should cut them, but with it being a family business I guess she won't be cutting hours on her son or her son's best friend. I also make the least amount out of everyone in the office. Cutting my hours back is not going to put a dent in the payroll. Those bringing home over 2K should have their salaries reduced until the company gets back on their feet.

The reduction could be good for me. I have been under a lot of stress lately, so maybe now I can relax and focus on my family. Maybe I'll take B's advice and look into daycare for the other two days. I always wanted to work with kids instead of behind a desk. This could end up being a good thing for B and I. Let's keep our finger's crossed and hope...

And now we wait...

I know good things come to those who wait. You must be patient and in time will get what you ask for. I am tired of waiting!! I had my appointment with my hematologist today. It took more time travelling to his office than it did for the entire appointment! He basically told me that a deficiency in Protein S is hereditary, and that my deficiency could have been caused from the miscarriage. Because I do not suffer from blood clotting issues, it is most likely that I do not have a deficiency. I have to retake the Protein S blood test to see if this is true, and then we go from there. If I actually have a deficiency, I will be placed on blood thinners for my next pregnancy and hope I carry to term. If there is no deficiency, I am back at square one trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me!

This is so frustrating!! I can never get a clear-cut answer. I am tired of being poked and prodded, and coming up with no answer. I go back in January for the test and results. January should have been the month I would be bringing my first angel baby home, but here I sit still empty-handed.

Tomorrow B is going to look into foster care and adoption. We are not going to give up without a fight, but I am taking a beating emotionally. We will have our baby one way or another.

Sad...

This time of year is going to be a difficult one for me. I can feel it already. Some friends of B and I wanted to know if we wanted to go cut down our Christmas tree with them tomorrow. They were even willing to go next weekend if we were busy tomorrow. Any other time and circumstance I would have loved to, but this particular couple is expecting their first baby in March. What makes me sad is that it brings back all the memories of my 2nd pregnancy. I started having my second miscarriage at their house during the Presidential debates. We weren't there a good 20 minutes before I started bleeding. One week later I miscarried my little boy. It is still hard to face them knowing that L is still happily pregnant (she's having a little girl), and my son is no longer with me. To top it all off, my first EDD is approaching quickly (January 21st). I think I am going to need a drink after work.

Thank You AF (Aunt Flow)!

Thanksgiving is always a time to be thankful for everyone you has touched your life in a special way. It is also a time to be thankful for the things we DO have, and not worry about the things we do not have. For me this year, Thanksgiving is also a time to be thankful for AF. She has finally arrived!! After nearly 40 days post m/c, she has finally showed up. This is a big step for my body getting back on a normal pattern so that B and I can give it a try again come January.

The road to AF has not been an easy one. This road was much different from the first one. More cramps, severe ovulation pains, sore boobs...for a minute I thought I was still pregnant. Now it is time to move forward with a new year and new possibilities. Bring it on 2009! It is baby-making time!

Protein S?

Some of my tests have come back from the RPL panel. Most are normal, but my doc mentioned something about a protein s deficiency. Protein S helps with the thinning of the blood to prevent blood clots from forming. It is a inherited gene, that if goes untreated during pregnancy, can lead to miscarriages. Doctor S wants to wait until ALL of the tests come back so that she can make a proper diagnosis, but this is what the issue is leaning towards with my test results. She also wants me to see my hematologist about the deficiency since I have sickle cell anemia as well. Hopefully this can answer a few questions as to why I am miscarrying with each pregnancy. Stay tuned...

Pathology Report is Back...

Had my doctor's appointment today. I don't know where to begin. The good thing is that my doctor wants to do a RPL (Repeat Pregnancy Loss) panel, which is what I wanted anyways. She said there is no use waiting for this to happen again, and put me through more heartache. It is best to get to the bottom of this since I had consecutive miscarriages. I have to not eat for 8-10 hours before taking the test. It is a simple blood tests that looks for many factors that can contribute to pregnancy loss. This made me feel much better when she suggested going ahead to do this. I am considering going Thursday morning for the test. The sooner, the better.

The bad thing...at least bad in my eyes, is the pathology report. My baby (it was a boy) was healthy. I had a baby boy. All the chromosomes were normal, and it was a healthy pregnancy. For some reason, my body decided it didn't want to be pregnant anymore and terminated the pregnancy. This is the reason for the tests. There is obviously something not right with my genetic makeup, blood, or body. I feel like it was my fault that my babies died. I haven't been able to stop crying. I don't know how many tests I will endure, but I am willing to do whatever it takes to have my baby.

Think before you speak!

Why are men so damn stupid?!?!?! Honestly, they never think before they speak. This morning I was going to warm my car up so that it wouldn't be too cold when I got inside. Mind you, I do this every morning since Old Man Winter decided to rear its ugly head. B decides to make the stupid comment, "Don't forget to open the garage before you start the cars." Excuse me? Like I don't know to open the garage door so I don't kill myself or my family. It's not like the first time he's made that comment. It makes me irate because his comment makes me feel like I am stupid or something. I don't remind you every time to open the garage before you start your car. Why must you feel you must remind me? Geez....I know I am from the city and never had a garage in the houses I grew up, but give me some credit that I have a little more common sense than you think I have. Okay, vent over.

You are in my prayers

Geez, how bad can this year get!! I just heard from a friend whom I haven't talked to in a few weeks. We used to work together and became great friends during those years. She just told me that she has cervical cancer. The doctor scraped her cervix and found some cancerous cells on it. She is currently taking all types of medication for it. She is hoping not to go through chemo...but who would want to do that unless it was a last resort. And through it all, she is more concerned about how I am doing...what an awesome friend!

The only good thing that has come out of this year is the election of Obama as President! Bring on 2009! Let's put 2008 behind us...

WHAT MAKES A MOTHER

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today,
I asked, "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard him say:
A Mother has a baby,
This we know is true
But, God, can you be a Mother
When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can, he replied
With confidence in his voice,
I give many women babies,
When they leave it is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day,
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath, and cleared his throat,
And then I saw a tear.
I wish i could show you,
What your child is doing Here...

If you could see your child smile
With other children and say,
"We go to Earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear,
but My Mommy loved me so much
I got to come straight here!"
I feel so lucky to have a Mom
who had so much love for me,
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My Mommy set me free.
I miss My Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow is where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear,
"Mommy, Please don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I am here"

So you see my dear sweet one,
Your children are okay.
Your babies are here in My home,
And this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me,
Until your lessons there are through,
And on the day that you come home,
they'll be at the gates waiting for you
So now you see what makes a Mother,
It's the feeling in your heart,
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.


Author Unknown

Why am I here?

Ever since returning to work, I feel completely unattached. I feel lost. I feel like I don't belong. All I want to do is be at home in the comfort and security of my room. Tears flow as I am trying to figure out my purpose. Work is suppose to be an outlet where I can keep my thoughts off of the pregnancy and miscarriage, but all it has done is cause more confusion. I feel so sad, and depressed. I just want everything to be normal again.

Miscarriage #2

Here I am again. Same place I was in June. I HATE THIS! What is wrong with me?!?! Last night I passed the fetus and some tissue. I went to the ER, and the doctor went into my uterus to remove more tissue. It hurt like hell! Hopefully I won't be needing a d&c. 10 Weeks. Just like in June. I can never get past 10 Weeks. This sucks so badly. Ever since I was a little girl, all I dreamt about was having a family and having kids. I guess that will never happen. I feel like I am being punished, that God hates me for some reason. I feel like such a failure. Why does my body hate me? What am I doing wrong? Why do so many people get to have their happy ending while I sit in the shadows hoping to have what they have? It's just not fair. It hurts so much to go through this time and time again. I don't know what to do anymore...

Same 'ol Story

Had my follow-up appointment to the spotting I have been having. Of course everything looks normal and I am having what seems like a normal pregnancy. The source and explanation of the bleeding is still a mystery. I just have to take this pregnancy one day at a time. As my doctor says, "Optimistic, yet hopeful." We shall see where all of this takes me.

ER Visit #2

What a crazy night...again! B thinks I am pregnant with the devil's child. I had to go to the ER again last night because of bleeding and passing of tissue. We truly thought it was the end. We were crying in bed wondering, "why us?" My last miscarriage I passed alot of tissue so I assumed this was the beginning of a miscarriage. Got to the ER around 1:20Am. Got a pelvic exam, and the doctor told me my cervix was closed tight. I looked at him thinking, "Really?" There was alot of blood and some tissue on the forceps, so I assumed that my cervix hadn't opened up yet to pass the baby.
Finally got the ultrasound. I refused to look at the screen. The heart beat was found immediately, and the little bean was moving around so much that the tech had a hard time getting measurements. She could barely get an accurate reading of the heart because the baby was moving around so much. I have an active little bean inside me! B thought the baby was laughing and making fun of us. Already putting us through so much stress before its birth.
Of course the bleeding has stopped...again. I don't think I will ever relax with this pregnancy if it continues to go the way it has. I am coming up on 10 weeks, and that is the point where I lost the last baby. I just have to tell myself to relax (easier said than done), and start to enjoy the pregnancy. Things are out of my hands, and everything will be just fine. This baby is grounded until it is 18!!

Bed Rest

I had the scare of my life Wednesday night. B and I went to some friend's house to watch the third Presidential Debate. As soon as the debate started to went to relieve my bladder. When I wiped, I noticed alot of blood. It just kept coming out. I told B we had to go, and we went to the ER. Luckily the bleeding stopped by the time I got to the ER. I was finally seen and had tons of blood taken, and an extensive ultrasound. The baby was measuring right on target, and had a strong heart rate with an average of 190 bpm. The baby was moving its hands and kicking its feet. It was so cute! What a relief though! But where was the bleeding coming from? The tech said that it wasn't coming from inside the uterus, which was a good thing. There was no active bleeding going on. After 3 1/2 hours in the ER, we finally got home after midnight with instructions for me to stay on bed rest until I see my doctor on Monday.

I was/am still experiencing some spotting/bleeding, so I called the doctor to see what I should do. The nurse called me back and said that it was nothing I had to worry about. She explained that the bleeding is coming from me expanding and the placenta growing. These actions can cause blood vessels to rupture, which can lead to bleeding. I am still freaked out cause now I have tons of pressure and stretching-like feelings by my pubic bone. I hope that is just everything expanding. More prayers needed...

So Scared

Gosh I am so afraid of this happening again. I woke up this morning for one of my several bathroom breaks at around 5AM. I had brown streaks of spotting on my undies. I was horrified! My mind flashed back to June when I lost my last little angel. All I kept thinking was, NO, NO, NO! I was just awakened from a dream of me giving birth to a little girl and having to go shopping for her for shampoo, lotion, baby wash, etc. (That dream stemmed from a conversation with my mom about me having a baby shower after I give birth because of my previous loss).

I went to the doctor's this morning before work to get checked out. The doctor said everything looked good so far. My cervix is completely closed, and there was no blood coming from the cervix. She said my uterus measured right as it should be. She wanted to do an ultrasound, but the machine was unavailable. I have to go back after work to get that done. I do hope the little bean's heart is still pumping away.

The only positive out of this is that everything looks great per the doctor, and the spotting stopped immediately. Also, the last time I spotted it was a gush of brown. This time it was streaks dried into my undies. So I hope those are all positive signs. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers...I cannot do this again.

Longest 48 hours ever

After two lonely nights, B has returned from his solo camping trip. He is on vacation this week, and wanted to get one more camping trip in before the weather got too cold. Poor him, though. It rained really bad on his second night that he had to get a hotel to stay dry and warm. I am so glad to have him home because that damn cat is not good company. On the other hand, it was nice having a king-sized bed to myself!

Now What?

Got my blood test results back yesterday. They drew blood at my appointment Wednesday to monitor my blood count because of my sickle cell. My hemoglobin was low. It measured a 9.8 on a scale where 11.0-13.0 is standard. That means I am not creating enough red blood cells to carry oxygen from my lungs to other cells, and it is making me anemic. Now my iron is low! Something else to worry about during this pregnancy. Is my baby getting enough oxygen? Is the blood flowing okay between the two of us? So much worry. Dr. Smith now has me a different prenatal vitamin with an extra boost of folic acid than normal prenatals. This should raise my iron levels in my body.

I wonder how many more drugs I will be on in order to support this pregnancy? First the progesterone supplement, which by the way is no fun to take, and now this new prenatal. Little one, I do hope you will stay around because mommy is going through so much right now to ensure your health and well being. Can't wait to meet you in May!!

We have a heartbeat!

Finally had my first appointment with my OB since I found out I was pregnant. I have been worrying myself for almost three weeks now. My appointment was originally scheduled for last Saturday, but someone went into labor and I had to worry for five additional days. The appointment went well. I was so nervous. Based on my period, I should have been 8 weeks, 1 day. I thought I was at least 7 weeks, 5 days. The ultrasound measured the baby at 7 weeks, 2 days. Not too bad I guess. We saw the little heartbeat flickering away. It was a relief to know that there is a baby in there, and that it has a heartbeat. The worry never goes away though. Now I will worry if I can make it past 10 weeks, when I had my miscarriage.

The good news, my Dr. Smith is going to watch my blood levels closely. She put me on progesterone as a preventative measure. It is to help sustain the pregnancy and not let my hormone levels drop off. The bad news is that I don't go back for another month!! I have to wait four more weeks before I know if everything is okay. At least Dr. Smith told me the first sign of any bleeding, or severe cramping to give her a call so that she can get me in for an emergency ultrasound.

Gosh I hope everything works out with this one. I will be praying daily that God gives us the family we have been yearning for.

My new due date: May 19th.

Getting Nervous

My first appointment is this Saturday, and I am starting to get nervous. All the "What ifs" have crossed my mind. B tells me not to worry. That this one feels right...but you never know. A positive note, I guess, is that I have been feeling more nauseous than I did with the previous pregnancy. I guess that is a good sign. I get up in the middle of the night to pee at least three times. I swear I pee almost every couple of hours. Me and the toilet have been best friends!

On another note, we went to S & D's wedding celebration yesterday in Wisconsin. We found out that they are expecting and S is 17 weeks! How exciting! She told us a story about her two previous miscarriages, and I could truly understand. I cried like a baby in B's arms because I know what she is going through, and how much she wants this baby. Every woman who has gone through a loss can truly understand.

I will be doubling up on my prayers in hopes of getting through this appointment on Saturday morning. I do hope all is well. B and I want this so badly. I don't know what I would do if something were to happen again. Everything is in God's hands at this moment.

"Rising Appropriately"

"Rising Appropriately." Words to my ears. Those were the words in an email to me from my doctor with my 2nd beta results. What a relief. My first beta was very low at 55. I took that blood test last Thursday after work. I had to go in on Saturday to take the second test. Waiting for the results have been agonizing. I was checking my email almost three times a day, hoping the results came in. Finally got the results this morning. My betas are at 229!!! More than doubled! Now I know that I am truly pregnant. It is such a relief to know everything is moving along nicely. Let's hope this little peanut decides to stick around!!

Round 2

Wow...
I cannot believe it! Well, lately I have been pretty exhausted. I would go to bed early and wake up feeling like a ton of bricks had hit me. B asked me to take a test to rule that out as an option for me not feeling well. I got home from work last night and poas(peed on a stick)....two lines, one extremely faint. I thought my eyes were deceiving me, so I took a digital this morning. Sure enough those all magical words popped up after 3 minutes..."pregnant." I actually don't know how to feel. After everything B and I went through in June, there is a bittersweet feeling. All the innocence and excitement is gone when you get a bfp.

I guess it explains why I have been so exhausted lately, and b*tchy, and emotional, and why one day B's cologne was making me ill to my stomach. This pregnancy is very different from the previous one. I have virtually NO symptoms. Last pregnancy, once I found out, I was extremely nauseous, frequent bathroom trips, bloated, tender breasts, and tired. Now I only have some bloat, headaches, and some hunger pains.

I am really excited, yet cautious at the same time. I am scared that this pregnancy might end the way the previous one did. I do hope this little bean sticks with us this time.

Happy Birthday to me

Happy Birthday to me....*sigh*

A camping we will go

This past weekend was alot of fun. B and I went camping with our friends A and M, as well as his brother and sister in-law. We camped at Kettle Moraine in Wisconsin. Such beautiful weather we had! The bugs were tolerable too. It is just so nice to be able to get away and leave all of your stress, and the hustle and bustle of your life behind for a while. This just might be the start of an annual event. Woo-hoo!

It was a little hard to be there though. There was alot of baby talk going on...A's wife is 20 weeks pregnant, and M's wife is 10 weeks pregnant. I was 10 weeks when I lost my little one. I should have been between them at 17 weeks. It was kind of hard to listen to them talk about diapers, and daycare, and just the joys of waiting for their little one to come. B and I should be a part of that joy. We should be finding out the sex soon, starting the nursery, creating a registry...but we are not. I want to be able to go through this incredible experience with my friends. It is still hard sometimes, but each day gets a little better.

There is a first for everything

Wow. Never thought I would actually do what is popular and start a blog. So much has happened in my life over the last 10 months. I got married in October of '07. B is his name. The love of my life. He brings a smile to my face whenever I think of him. Got a positive HPT in May. Yup, was about to become a mom. So excited, yet so scared of the unknown. That all came crashing to an end when I miscarried in June while on vacation in Mexico. So devastating to lose your baby. So angry with the world, with myself. How could this happen? I was doing everything right...at least I thought I was. I had never been so scared in my life. I had a d&c in Mexico. Had to leave the cruise ship because my health was in jeopardy. NEVER had surgery of any kind before, but it all worked out in the end. My little angel made it to 10wks and 1d.

So I decided after going through all this, it is time to document the important things that are happening in my life. Let's see where this blogging thing takes me!