WHAT MAKES A MOTHER

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today,
I asked, "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard him say:
A Mother has a baby,
This we know is true
But, God, can you be a Mother
When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can, he replied
With confidence in his voice,
I give many women babies,
When they leave it is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day,
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath, and cleared his throat,
And then I saw a tear.
I wish i could show you,
What your child is doing Here...

If you could see your child smile
With other children and say,
"We go to Earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear,
but My Mommy loved me so much
I got to come straight here!"
I feel so lucky to have a Mom
who had so much love for me,
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My Mommy set me free.
I miss My Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow is where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear,
"Mommy, Please don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I am here"

So you see my dear sweet one,
Your children are okay.
Your babies are here in My home,
And this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me,
Until your lessons there are through,
And on the day that you come home,
they'll be at the gates waiting for you
So now you see what makes a Mother,
It's the feeling in your heart,
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.


Author Unknown

Why am I here?

Ever since returning to work, I feel completely unattached. I feel lost. I feel like I don't belong. All I want to do is be at home in the comfort and security of my room. Tears flow as I am trying to figure out my purpose. Work is suppose to be an outlet where I can keep my thoughts off of the pregnancy and miscarriage, but all it has done is cause more confusion. I feel so sad, and depressed. I just want everything to be normal again.

Miscarriage #2

Here I am again. Same place I was in June. I HATE THIS! What is wrong with me?!?! Last night I passed the fetus and some tissue. I went to the ER, and the doctor went into my uterus to remove more tissue. It hurt like hell! Hopefully I won't be needing a d&c. 10 Weeks. Just like in June. I can never get past 10 Weeks. This sucks so badly. Ever since I was a little girl, all I dreamt about was having a family and having kids. I guess that will never happen. I feel like I am being punished, that God hates me for some reason. I feel like such a failure. Why does my body hate me? What am I doing wrong? Why do so many people get to have their happy ending while I sit in the shadows hoping to have what they have? It's just not fair. It hurts so much to go through this time and time again. I don't know what to do anymore...

Same 'ol Story

Had my follow-up appointment to the spotting I have been having. Of course everything looks normal and I am having what seems like a normal pregnancy. The source and explanation of the bleeding is still a mystery. I just have to take this pregnancy one day at a time. As my doctor says, "Optimistic, yet hopeful." We shall see where all of this takes me.

ER Visit #2

What a crazy night...again! B thinks I am pregnant with the devil's child. I had to go to the ER again last night because of bleeding and passing of tissue. We truly thought it was the end. We were crying in bed wondering, "why us?" My last miscarriage I passed alot of tissue so I assumed this was the beginning of a miscarriage. Got to the ER around 1:20Am. Got a pelvic exam, and the doctor told me my cervix was closed tight. I looked at him thinking, "Really?" There was alot of blood and some tissue on the forceps, so I assumed that my cervix hadn't opened up yet to pass the baby.
Finally got the ultrasound. I refused to look at the screen. The heart beat was found immediately, and the little bean was moving around so much that the tech had a hard time getting measurements. She could barely get an accurate reading of the heart because the baby was moving around so much. I have an active little bean inside me! B thought the baby was laughing and making fun of us. Already putting us through so much stress before its birth.
Of course the bleeding has stopped...again. I don't think I will ever relax with this pregnancy if it continues to go the way it has. I am coming up on 10 weeks, and that is the point where I lost the last baby. I just have to tell myself to relax (easier said than done), and start to enjoy the pregnancy. Things are out of my hands, and everything will be just fine. This baby is grounded until it is 18!!

Bed Rest

I had the scare of my life Wednesday night. B and I went to some friend's house to watch the third Presidential Debate. As soon as the debate started to went to relieve my bladder. When I wiped, I noticed alot of blood. It just kept coming out. I told B we had to go, and we went to the ER. Luckily the bleeding stopped by the time I got to the ER. I was finally seen and had tons of blood taken, and an extensive ultrasound. The baby was measuring right on target, and had a strong heart rate with an average of 190 bpm. The baby was moving its hands and kicking its feet. It was so cute! What a relief though! But where was the bleeding coming from? The tech said that it wasn't coming from inside the uterus, which was a good thing. There was no active bleeding going on. After 3 1/2 hours in the ER, we finally got home after midnight with instructions for me to stay on bed rest until I see my doctor on Monday.

I was/am still experiencing some spotting/bleeding, so I called the doctor to see what I should do. The nurse called me back and said that it was nothing I had to worry about. She explained that the bleeding is coming from me expanding and the placenta growing. These actions can cause blood vessels to rupture, which can lead to bleeding. I am still freaked out cause now I have tons of pressure and stretching-like feelings by my pubic bone. I hope that is just everything expanding. More prayers needed...

So Scared

Gosh I am so afraid of this happening again. I woke up this morning for one of my several bathroom breaks at around 5AM. I had brown streaks of spotting on my undies. I was horrified! My mind flashed back to June when I lost my last little angel. All I kept thinking was, NO, NO, NO! I was just awakened from a dream of me giving birth to a little girl and having to go shopping for her for shampoo, lotion, baby wash, etc. (That dream stemmed from a conversation with my mom about me having a baby shower after I give birth because of my previous loss).

I went to the doctor's this morning before work to get checked out. The doctor said everything looked good so far. My cervix is completely closed, and there was no blood coming from the cervix. She said my uterus measured right as it should be. She wanted to do an ultrasound, but the machine was unavailable. I have to go back after work to get that done. I do hope the little bean's heart is still pumping away.

The only positive out of this is that everything looks great per the doctor, and the spotting stopped immediately. Also, the last time I spotted it was a gush of brown. This time it was streaks dried into my undies. So I hope those are all positive signs. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers...I cannot do this again.

Longest 48 hours ever

After two lonely nights, B has returned from his solo camping trip. He is on vacation this week, and wanted to get one more camping trip in before the weather got too cold. Poor him, though. It rained really bad on his second night that he had to get a hotel to stay dry and warm. I am so glad to have him home because that damn cat is not good company. On the other hand, it was nice having a king-sized bed to myself!

Now What?

Got my blood test results back yesterday. They drew blood at my appointment Wednesday to monitor my blood count because of my sickle cell. My hemoglobin was low. It measured a 9.8 on a scale where 11.0-13.0 is standard. That means I am not creating enough red blood cells to carry oxygen from my lungs to other cells, and it is making me anemic. Now my iron is low! Something else to worry about during this pregnancy. Is my baby getting enough oxygen? Is the blood flowing okay between the two of us? So much worry. Dr. Smith now has me a different prenatal vitamin with an extra boost of folic acid than normal prenatals. This should raise my iron levels in my body.

I wonder how many more drugs I will be on in order to support this pregnancy? First the progesterone supplement, which by the way is no fun to take, and now this new prenatal. Little one, I do hope you will stay around because mommy is going through so much right now to ensure your health and well being. Can't wait to meet you in May!!

We have a heartbeat!

Finally had my first appointment with my OB since I found out I was pregnant. I have been worrying myself for almost three weeks now. My appointment was originally scheduled for last Saturday, but someone went into labor and I had to worry for five additional days. The appointment went well. I was so nervous. Based on my period, I should have been 8 weeks, 1 day. I thought I was at least 7 weeks, 5 days. The ultrasound measured the baby at 7 weeks, 2 days. Not too bad I guess. We saw the little heartbeat flickering away. It was a relief to know that there is a baby in there, and that it has a heartbeat. The worry never goes away though. Now I will worry if I can make it past 10 weeks, when I had my miscarriage.

The good news, my Dr. Smith is going to watch my blood levels closely. She put me on progesterone as a preventative measure. It is to help sustain the pregnancy and not let my hormone levels drop off. The bad news is that I don't go back for another month!! I have to wait four more weeks before I know if everything is okay. At least Dr. Smith told me the first sign of any bleeding, or severe cramping to give her a call so that she can get me in for an emergency ultrasound.

Gosh I hope everything works out with this one. I will be praying daily that God gives us the family we have been yearning for.

My new due date: May 19th.