D & C Complete

Had it done yesterday at the hospital. It went well...better than I expected. I was freaked out to have it done again, but I knew I had to have it soon since I am leaving for vacation in two weeks. The staff was very nice and friendly. They made the whole experience bearable. Have my two week follow up scheduled with Dr. S for May 4th. Hopefully she will have more news for me as to which direction B and I should head in next.

No heartbeat

The second ultrasound today confirmed it. We lost the baby...again. This is the third freaking loss within a one year period. I am getting so tired of this shit! I don't even know where to turn anymore. What can I possibly do to make the outcomes better? I have had so many tests, some evasive, to see what the problem is and they all come back normal. Is this some cruel joke being played on us? My patience and my faith is wearing thin. I just want to scream out, "FUCK YOU WORLD!!!"

My D & C is scheduled for Wednesday at noon. I am scared to do this, but I know it is something I have to go through. I don't want to run the risk of it happening naturally while on vacation, and not knowing if everything passed.

I am just at a loss for words....

Inconclusive Ultrasound

I went for my three week ultrasound today, and things are not looking so good. Dr. S couldn't get a good read on measurements, nor pick up a fetal heartbeat. She could only get a measurement of 9 weeks, 2 days. I have an appointment today at 3PM for a more detailed ultrasound. Hopefully the more high tech machine can get a good measurement and find the heartbeat. I'm not holding out much hope. Things in this department never work out for me. B, on the other hand, is still optimistic. We shall see at 3.

9 weeks, 3 days

This is certainly a milestone for me. I passed the dreaded 9 week, 2 day mark without any gushing of blood which has started the beginning of my past miscarriages. I know I am not out of the woods yet, but this gives me a small amount of hope. I have a doctor's appointment on Monday, so I pray everything is going well. Continued prayers needed.

Pregnancy Brain at its Finest

Today I have a bad case of pregnancy brain. So I started my weekly load of laundry this morning. First load finishes, and as I put it in the dryer and begin the second load. I then realized that I washed the entire first load without laundry detergent or fabric softener! Now I have to rewash those close to get out the stains I thought I was removing the first time. This is going to be a long seven months!

Worried....

Yes it is 2:15AM and I am up! I have NEVER had insomnia during any of my pregnancies. I am worried that this pregnancy will not make it. Yesterday I had a decline in appetite, and I noticed that my boobs were not sore AT ALL. They also felt deflated. All of the plumpness was gone. Even after taking my Prometrium, they still feel the same. I am also having bad back cramps right now...or gas. I cannot tell which it is. I am debating whether or not to go and get an emergency ultrasound when the office opens up just to calm my fears. Dr. S told me I should do that whenever I needed.

I don't know if all of this is my mind playing tricks on me because I am quickly approaching that dreaded 9 week mark. I just don't feel like I have been feeling. Granted this only started yesterday, so maybe this is my body adjusting to the hormones, but it still worries me.

Also, this is the second evening this week where I had some weird brownish, yellowish discharge leak from me. It happens for a few minutes, then it stops. I brought this to Dr. S's attention, but she is not worried as long as it is not blood. What if it is some type of infection? My next scheduled appointment is not until the 20th, and I might very well lose my mind by then.

Can't Hide Anything From Mom

I was hoping I could make it to the second trimester without spilling the beans to anyone...not even dear ole mom. I guess moms can always tell when something is different with their daughters. I saw my mom on Sunday for our normal family dinner, and before you know it she is asking me how far along I was. Here I was thinking I could hide my unzipped pants with a long sweater, and try to minimize the number of bathroom trips I make, but my mom picked up on these clues very quickly. She even stated how moody I was towards my aunt as a dead giveaway. My moodiness?? Really?

I didn't want to tell her about this pregnancy because of how much she irritated me after my second loss. I was such a Debbie Downer, that everything she said rubbed me the wrong way. I told her the next time I get pregnant I was not going to tell her. Yeah, that worked out well.

On a pregnancy note, my next visit to the doctor is in 2 weeks. She wants to make sure everything is still going well since my miscarriages usually start around 9 weeks, 2 days. I will be 9 weeks, 5 days at the appointment. I really have no emotional attachment to this pregnancy. If I don't feel attached, it helps me to not stress and worry over the small stuff.