Saw a Genetic Counselor

Had an appointment with a genetic counselor yesterday because of the third loss. We are still at square one. The third loss came back as (45,X), which is Turner's Syndrome. Because we actually have a reason for this loss, the doctor feels that there is nothing in my genetics that is stopping me from having a normal pregnancy. I am at no greater risk for a miscarriage with my next pregnancy as I was with my first pregnancy. The doctor doesn't want us to spend thousands on a genetic test for things to say we are fine. Things are becoming more frustrating. I guess I am suppose to continue to get pregnant and have miscarriages until I have the one baby that sticks...no matter what it does to my psyche.



So that is my strategy. Continue to get pregnant until you get the one that sticks. Great plan...

My Dad

I know I have been a terrible blogger. Things have been going on for quite some time with him, but I never found the time to write about it. My dad has an enlarged prostate. It is 3 times its normal size. he has not been able to urinate for months now. He finally, probably 3-4 weeks ago, seen a doctor about it. The doctors say it is so large, that they don't know if they can shrink it. They may have to cut it down to size. Actually, we don't know what the doctors want to do. They are very wishy-washy on which steps to take with him.

That is not his only problem. He hasn't been able to have a bowel movement in over 3 months, gross I know. He has also been losing weight at a rapid pace. The doctors have tested him for many things, and they have no answer as to what is wrong with him. He is currently living with my grandparents (he and my mom are no longer together).

I just feel so terrible for him. He looks like he is on death's doorstep. He can't walk without assistance. Granted, he has put my family and I through so much shit in the past he is still my father and I care for his well-being. My brother, on the other hand, wishes he would vanish. He is a teenager and has so much anger towards his father for never being there and making his life hell. I get that. I do. It has been over 6 years and it is time to put that in the past.

I told my grandparents that if the doctors are confused, and they don't know what to do then it is time for a second opinion. Don't just settle for their word. Take him to doctors that WILL do something. I just hope he makes it through whatever it is he is going through...alive.

Memorial Day Weekend

Well, it's back to work after the Memorial Day weekend. Overall, the weekend was very nice. Went camping with B at Kettle Moraine. The weather was not to shabby. Sunday night was very cold. Made me wish I had a battery operated heater for the tent. The bugs were tolerable as well. Since it is still kind of cool out, the mosquitoes were not out in full force. Enjoyed some good food, good music, and good company around the campfires.

The first night was very intimate. B and I arrived there first on Friday. Victor and Katie showed up a few hours later. We had good laughs and conversation. It rained in the overnight hours until Late Saturday morning. By the time the rain ended, everyone else had shown up. Steve and his stepson Jameson, Marty, Hannah, their son Vaughn, and dog Buck, Loomis and his dog Emma, Jason Moon, and newcomers Brad and Rachel.

Speaking of Loomis, boy is he a character! He argued with the park rangers the entire time, until they kicked him off the campsites Sunday morning. He did and said so many things, that they might be incriminating if I list them all here. I'm actually, for once, looking forward to next year's camping trip.

Home From Vacation

After a long ten days on the road, and a sore ass and sore back later we are finally home. It was a very relaxing vacation. I hated to come home. I was depressed the entire way back. B and I saw many wonderful sites...Grand Canyon, Canyonlands N.P., Bryce Canyon, Arches N.P.. Such beautiful scenery. The weather was awesome too. We left a rainy, chilly Chicago for the beautiful Southwest. Not a cloud or drop of rain the entire time there!

I also, for the first time, went whitewater rafting. WHAT A THRILL!!! I had a blast, though I had the constant fear of falling out of the raft. I cannot wait to try that again! After rafting, we stopped in Colorado to Glenwoods Hot Springs. The hot water felt so nice on my aching joints.

I will try and post pics of the vacation when I get a chance. It is difficult to do since I am back to work...:(

The bleeding continues...

Here I am, two weeks post D & C, and I am still bleeding. Dr. S says not to worry yet, but if it continues through next week then she'll take a look to see if there was anything left behind. Also, she thinks B and I should take an extended break (which I agree) until we can see a high risk doctor. Dr. S thinks it may be a genetic problem, her thoughts is a balanced translocation. She feels that if this is what it is, then we would have to use a donor egg in order to have children. Really don't know how to feel about this. This is definitely something B and I need to have a deep and serious conversation about when the time comes. Things can never go smoothly for me...

**UPDATE**

Doctor's office just called, and they want to get me in for an ultrasound before I leave on vacation to make sure my uterine cavity is indeed empty so I can go on vacation with no worries. That is a huge relief!

D & C Complete

Had it done yesterday at the hospital. It went well...better than I expected. I was freaked out to have it done again, but I knew I had to have it soon since I am leaving for vacation in two weeks. The staff was very nice and friendly. They made the whole experience bearable. Have my two week follow up scheduled with Dr. S for May 4th. Hopefully she will have more news for me as to which direction B and I should head in next.

No heartbeat

The second ultrasound today confirmed it. We lost the baby...again. This is the third freaking loss within a one year period. I am getting so tired of this shit! I don't even know where to turn anymore. What can I possibly do to make the outcomes better? I have had so many tests, some evasive, to see what the problem is and they all come back normal. Is this some cruel joke being played on us? My patience and my faith is wearing thin. I just want to scream out, "FUCK YOU WORLD!!!"

My D & C is scheduled for Wednesday at noon. I am scared to do this, but I know it is something I have to go through. I don't want to run the risk of it happening naturally while on vacation, and not knowing if everything passed.

I am just at a loss for words....